Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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