I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
