What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
