6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
