Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize