Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
