drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
