ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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