my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
