drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
