I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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