So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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