i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
They have beer where we have blood.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
