Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
