have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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