We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
