fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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