he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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