After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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