I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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