oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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