seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
