I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
