3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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