who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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