Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
