we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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