It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
