His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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