Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
