Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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