i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
