nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
