don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
