Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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