someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
