theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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