I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
