I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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