Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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