there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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