Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize