Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
