i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
