I understand why you refuse to be sober now
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize