I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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