I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
