I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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