Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
well you can't waste a boner
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
