My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
