wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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