when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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