I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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