Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
don't judge my taste in strippers
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
