So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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