This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
