So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Randomize
