I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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