I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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