I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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