I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
