My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
