I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
