Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
