At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
